:: insomnia ::

surprise surpise. my inability to fall asleep really really kills me. it makes me feel like a turd all the time. the moment i close my eyes, a flood of thoughts block any attempts at losing consciousness. so i'm just there. i've been trying to do that for the last hour, and i am so frustrated, that i decided to just surf the web and do some good updating.


:: being home ::

nothing could be more therapeutic. a big two week dose of home (and one week dose of paris and fam). :] being constantly surrounded by good friends have brought my spirits up. i never realized how much i love 'em till i went to college and had to go through school without 'em. yale is a sad sad world. jan 10 will be the saddest day of my life.


:: old memories ::

of israel...of church retreats...of talks with teachers...of sleepless nights...of my mistakes...of my painful observations...of the past...

old memories always stir the most unpleasant emotions in me, pools of feeling that have been still for a long time. why do i even dare to relive those memories. i dont know..


:: an empty motion ::

my search is stagnant. i feel sluggish even writing about it. i feel like i'm givin up, but i dont wanna let go of all that i've worked so hard to build. but really, is there anything substantial that i've accomplished. i mean, every time i get discouraged, i manage to muster up some bullshit analysis of why exactly this is happening. but i wonder how much if it i really believe. it's like one of them chinese hand toys, the paper tube that you stick your finger in on either side. if you pull too hard, your fingers are trapped, so the only way to release your fingers is to relax and pull slowly. there is a certain simplicity to this search that i am lacking. or that i cannot understand. overanalysis on crack. i know.

it's like i'm playing chess by myself, prolly looking crazy to everyone who stares. GREAT. :| sadness. why, after six years, does it still hurt to breathe. i still lack the very attributes that i knew i lacked long long ago. my search is inefficient; useless. i just come out looking like a fool.


sorry for being a bit of a melodrammm, but i gotta say...it feels like i'm constantly on the verge of collapsing, but i never do. on the brink of a breakdown, but i never do. mad and merciful at once. who is playing this cruel game on me?