i dont have a computer. boo. so yeah, this is the third time i'm writing this. apparently, i already forgot how to use a pc.


today, i realized that there is no growth in the timeline of iris. it is completely flatline, which is a sad thing. i wonder why i am not getting ANYWHERE with this whole ordeal, and i come up with a very simple and scary solution. it is not its simplicity that is scary, but more its complete obviousness. have i been purposefully avoiding this answer because i am afraid to face what it suggests? 'cause what the HELL am i supposed to do if i accept that there is no purpose or meaning or TRUTH to save me from this pit of nothingness. what am i supposed to do if i accept that all along, all this fucking time, i was chasing a phantom? what am i supposed to do?




and yet, i should not avoid THIS truth simply because i am afraid of its implications. but i do. i avoid it every day, because my belief in its falsity is the only reason why i'm here. this makes me sad.