i cant sleep.


the annoying thing about it is that i know the exact day when i started to lose sleep. it was that day back in eighth grade. THAT day. and since then, i have been an insomniac.

benefits of being up late at night:
great AIM convo's

drawbacks:
sleepiness and fatigue alll day long
pretty lame blog entries and once in awhile, a random spectacular one (this is not one of those)
really really depressing thoughts


here's one of them:



the reason why i'm in such a shithole is because i dont know what to do with myself. today, during a 50 min. video summarizing the buddhist religion, i realized how shortsighted i have been. how foolish can i be to think that my personal findings and observations about world and life and religion bear ANY significance at all? in one 50 min. video, more than half of my 6 year's work was shot to dust. there are so many worlds out there that i havent touched. it seems likely that the religion of most people is just the result of their reaction to the culture that surrounds them. that was a really bad way of saying it. example: if i were goign through the same kind of shit i am now, and i was surrounded by really strong buddhists, and they listened to my thougths and provided a solution for me, i would buy into it as quickly as i bought into christianity. in fact, after less than an hour of learning about their religion, i have already been attracted to so many aspects of their beliefs. so....could it be that my present struggles with christanity are simply an indication that i am incompatible with the religion most convenient and most available to me at the present time and place?





oh my.