"Here is a door, behind which, according to some people, the secret of the universe is waiting for you. either that's true, or it isn't. and if it isn't, then what the door really conceals is simply the greatest fraud, the most colossal "sell" on record. isn't it obviously the job of every man to try to find out which, and then to devote his full energies either to serving this tremendous secret or to exposing and destroying this gigantic humbug? faced with such an issue, can you really remain wholly absorbed in your own blessed 'moral development'?" - c.s. lewis


i wonder what lewis would say about fatigue. this search has stripped me of all my past ambitions, goals, dreams, passion . from the days when i was practically hyperventilating in excitement to the pathetic present, where it takes so much goddamn energy to breathe. this journey has worn me down, and where the hell have i traveled? the landscape is unfamiliar, the territory is foreign, and i'm here alone. have i been deceived? have i been misled? maybe i took the wrong route, because i dont know where the fuck i am anymore. damn, what a sad trip.


there's nothing more painful than to realize that the only power driving you is an obsession to discover a truth that may not even exist.