i found this somewhere in my computer and it had me floored. i remember that day so well now. what a rush. anyway, i thought i'd share:

Sunday, September 23, 2001

everything seemed so unpredictable. It still is. all of that Monday and tuesday, I was gonna lose it, because I had all this disorder thrown in my head, and I couldn't think straight. And the worst was that I couldn't sleep when I got back because? it's like 5000 bees in your room making all this noise, you kno? You cant sleep. And I really was gonna lose it. And I hate to tell you this, but when I am really mad, or sad, or I cant deal, I just get zonked. then I don't have to think, you know? but I was mad sick that day, and it's not really safe to do anything, you kno? So I didn't know how else to deal, how to be strong. So my friend told me to just write it down, to relieve some of that mental constipation. I went onto the computer and typed and typed and typed like crazy, just about everything and anything, for the longest time?and then things started to get clear.

If I thought that there were only two solutions, a third one always was the answer, and I'm constantly proven wrong. if I think about it now, everything that went down? it's so clever. I think that if something crazy went down, like what I was expecting, then all I would have done was concentrate on not losing control. But looking back at how it really went down, its like I was shown what my efforts to control.. what it was doing.

It's like the difference between getting cut by a knife or getting your leg broken. The cut stings like crazy? and it hurts and all this blood is gushin out and all this commotion and stuff, right? But when I break a bone? it hurts inside. Deeep inside. It's internal. There is no blood? there's no commotion. Just the pain? I have to completely concentrate on the pain. That's how it was. You know how you were telling me that I was running away agaiN? I wasn't running away. I needed to get broken, not just cut. broken.
I don't know how my dream plays in it, other than the fact that I knew I had to go to the retreat. But atleast I understand why I needed to go. and this is what I think:

So I was tellin myself? don't you think that just the fact that so much of my time and energy and thoughts are focused ON this ONE issue..don't you think that THAT is proof right there? I mean?what other explanation is there? I don't WANT to think about this stuff. I hate it, actually. I constantly have that feeling like? "god?remember the days when everything was different? When I didn't have this shadow glooming over me?" But it's been embedded in my brain. It's like it's WELDED on my mind, and I cant dislodge it. so what do I do? what do I do? why am I so afraid to just go with it, and to let go? And live a christian life? Besides the fact that I think it's the wrong approach to it?It's because for the past 3 years, I've been accustomed to hate that, to despise the lives that I'm asking myself to imitate. To laugh at the leaders of god, to make fun of it all. and now I have to BE one of them? What happens to my OTHER beliefs? Are they all just supposed to CHANGE? To conform to those created by minds that I disagree witH? Even christians that I respect?I cant follow them. Why not? Because I lacked the conviction that you use as fuel. As daily food that keeps you going. 'Cause conviction is everything. You need to get gripped. You need to hear the click. So many things in this world works like that. like skiing? if you don't hear your boot click into the ski, then good luck getting down the slope, you know? And it's like I got my boot in the ski, but?it doesn't feel like skiing. It's like I expected to go down a bunny slope, but I'm going down like triple black with all these moguls.
let's say that god is made out of jelly beans. And out of all the flavors you could get, It's like I was given a black jelly bean. The only conviction I have is a BLACK jelly bean. That's like giving me moldy bread for food. I cant live off of that. Yeah, I know he's there, yeah I felt his presence, but it was so depressing...it makes me sad. And I wish I could telepath it right to you, cause I cant explain what happened.

So in the end, it seems like my search for the keys to these locked doors, just revealed more locked doors. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do, again. And I'm here without a clue, again. But ?after I stopped ranting about how I didn't want this whole thing to repeat itself, I realized that I got something to shoot for. And I have to shoot for it. I don't think I have a choice, again. It's like I get these random neon green post it notes tellin me to do things. Like directions. Like I'm on some kinda road. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know I'm headed somewhere. And that's pretty much what I got from it all. It took me a long time to figure it out, and there's pages more, but that's what I got now, something to shoot for.