the strangest thing happened to me today.

i was thinking about all this philosophical shit, like the purpose of life, the reason for suffering...my head was getting all existential on me, and it was depressing the hell out of me because the answers were soo weak. :| i was starting to question my motivations to pursue truth and what not...is it just because i refuse to face the grimness of reality...? and if so, what a STUPID reason to seek. it's like the same thign as when someone becomes friends with some other person only because there's no one else in the room better to mingle with, and not because he really wants to have that friendship. that just means that when someone better comes along, that other guy is gonna dump is first friend to be with this new guy. i hate punks like that. and is that what i'm doing with my life? playing that same shady game...? and then that led to other questions...i always become really unstable when i start going on this track. so yeah i was super bummed, and then... i dont know. i just suddenly got a really nice feeling inside. and i realized that the answers will come in time. and that my attempts to wrestle these questions with what very limited knowledge i possess was absurd. you know what, it was the exact same feeling i got when i was at the avery dennison internship last summer. and one night, a bunch of the other students were in a circle getting all steamed up over the whole creation/evolution debate. i just came down from my room and i was hearing them. and at first, i was attracted to the simple fact that they were talking about something other than sat scores. but then, when i listened more closely, my GOD...their arguments were so...petty. for instance, one of the girls ( a supposed genius who told me during registration that she was planning to be valedictorian and that she never studies and that she has been with 9 guys or something. all on the first day - eesh. why do i even go to these things...anyway, so this girl) was saying how some dna in an african mosquito dated back to 5 billion years or something... "and THAT's why the whole bible is fake. i mean, who could EVER believe in god when you have rock hard evidence right there." and she said it with such an arrogant tone, like she was the anthropologist who discovered the fucking mosquito. i wanted to bonk her on the head SOO BAD. but what was even WORSE was that this bible thumper from pasadena replied that carbon dating was flawed or something, and that the mosquito's dna could have been contaminated with sap or something really idiotic like that.
anyway...my point in even bringing up this painful memory is this..that while i was watching these baboons go at it, i realized how stupid the argument was, how it has virtually no real connection to true spirituality. i mean, jesus christ, who the hell cares IF the dna was contaminated or not. to me, atleast, it doesnt really change a damn thing. so i walked past their debate and talked with some girl from new york about the blue album from weezer.

so going back to what happened today...i guess the same thing happened. not to belittle the questions i was wrestling with, 'cause they obviously bears a lot more weight on my life than african mosquitos, but i felt today as if it didnt matter. i dont know, it is so hard to explain, because all of those questions DO matter. they do need to be answered sometime. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm kinda jumping to point C when i havent firmly established A and B yet. you know? i'm still trying to answer these questions while standing on sand. i am not firmly rooted on rock, on a sound foundation on which i can tackle the meaning of life or the reason for suffering or what not. you know? and i think that was the problem with the baboons, too. they were focusing too much on quibbling over the garbage, instead of trying to look past it and search for the pearls. (god i love that quote...) so yeah, not to say that those questions were garbage, but i think that focusing on the A and B will help me deal with C. yeah.. whew that was long. i dont know if that made any sense. i dont even know really what "A and B" entails. but whatever. this was the strange thing of today. thanks for tuning in.

so... quote of the day
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Matthew 7: 24-27




word.