bloggorhea
havent really been in the blogging mood. i've been so bummed lately that there's nothing really worth writing about that will be interesting to read. i cant even verbalize my thoughts, let alone share 'em and write them out. but soemone told me that i'm keeping too many things to myself, and that i'm gonna blow up one day. so here's my effort to let off some of that steam. to vent.

vent?
except i dont really need to VENT...just a ::sigh:: < sigh. :/. remember that pepsi twist commercial awhile back where mike myers says "that's not ___" and pulls off someone's wig, and then he tries to do the same thing to britney spears, but it turns out that she's really britney spears..? ever feel that way..where you're in a room full of people and all they see of you is this ridiculously incorrect mask that you're wearing, a caricature of the pettiest parts of your character? i always wonder why they dont try pulling it off to see what's deeper. maybe everyone doesnt wear masks. maybe everyone does walk their walk, and i'm just a fucker who cant figure out a way to appear the way i really am. but when i look around..shit, this cant be it. i mean...is this world filled with a bunch of britney spears? how depressing is that.

a phoenix
while at the retreat, an image of a phoenix was always in my mind. just the myth behind the bird always gets to me. how a phoenix has to burn in fire and be reduced to ashes before it is reborn into a new phoenix that is pure....i dont know. i guess the idealist in me clung to that image. but yeah...i still feel like i'm in sitting in my ashes, just waiting to be reborn. and the 'realists' tell me it aint gonna happen, and that i should get comfortable. but holy SHIT, is this what life is like, then? the whole world forever immersed in its own ashes??? man, then what's the point? right?

there must be more to this life than what i have right now.

there's nothing so heavy weighing down the soul
as the weight of nothing worth my strength to hold...