i remember long ago when i told myself that as i become more knowledgeable, i will discover the flaws in religion. and i have. after educating myself with books, after realizing the terrible human tendencies with observation, after gaining a hellovalot of self-knowledge through reflection and contemplation, i have found what i had initially sought after. but i wasnt satisfied. i was talking to lindsey the other day about something, and after it, i was just thinking and i thought i'd write about it. it was about stuff i read in Great Books...

so on one particular day, we were reading a collection of excerpts from famous thinkers on their thoughts about Jesus. and of course, the religious issues surrounding these works were provocative enough to cause a frenzy in the class. i expected that, but i wasnt interested in religion bashing. i was sick of it by now. what interested me more was Leo Tolstoy’s epiphany: “I thus felt myself in the position of a man to whom a sack of garbage is given, who, after long struggle and wearisome labor, discovers among the garbage a number of infinitely precious pearls.” ( i know i've mentioned this before, but man, this quote goes on so many levels for me..) so before this day, discussing the nature of “the opiate of the masses” was always a topic that interested me, but i dunno, i started to realize that that viewing religion merely as the greatest hoax of mankind didnt bring me any closer to finding meaning in my life. what made Tolstoy’s statement so attractive was that he, despite the insipid qualities of organized religion, struggled and searched in the garbage and found something valuable. those pearls! he was able to marry the pursuit of true spirituality with intellect by rejecting the trappings of dogma in order to find his own meaningful interpretation. those pearls. they make all the difference in the world.

so here i am...forced by some higher force (humor me, let's call him god) to sit and freaking STINK in all this garbage around me. and i used to hate it. shit, i STILL hate it..who wouldnt. but i am starting to understand how incredibly lucky i am...that i didnt just overlook this garbage and miss the pearls that lie beneath. i havent gotten there yet...i havent found those infinitely precious pearls, but i think i am damn close. and even if i'm not, i know what i'm aiming for. and this time, i think that when i get there, i will be content.